everything is a picture of you, of me, of us.
every singsongy wind whistle
and every thunderclap.
every crouching lion and sleeping butterfly opening and closing its wings.
it’s an endless ebb and flow of a love song between the moon and the sea and all I see is the blue orb of your eyes and the stars dotting your black hair and I am falling in love with the universe that is you and I can’t wrap my head around
you.
and if I could climb up through the clouds and push out the air in my lungs I would because you take my breath away.
and I never want it back.
I’ll spend forever floating around, waving to little people from my great height (our great height).
And everything weaves in us and through us like two hands interlocking, the wind and the trees and the air I refuse to breathe because that would remind me of a reality without the freedom of swimming in a galaxy
like you.
I’m rolling to you. I’m floating in love, swimming around in the universe that is you.
And I never want to go back.
and I'll sit in my room and discover other worlds.: Why, darling, that’s quite funny you should mention that. I saw you...
Why, darling, that’s quite funny you should mention that. I saw you struggle to push it through your teeth. For a brief moment I thought it was going to be a monster, what with my negative and worrisome self. It’s quite funny because I thought the same words you were about to speak in that moment…
I’ve been thinking about this day and I can still remember it. The feeling has kind of changed, but it’s changed into a more deep, compassionate, forever kind of love. I know we can overcome anything, and even though sometimes it’s really hard when we are trying to learn about ourselves and each other (and right now I’m speaking for myself), I am so thankful for this man and I am thankful he is always willing to forgive me and love me even when I mess up and make mistakes and fail at our relationship. I love him more than anything and I’m so thankful he is my best friend.
9:37am-9:56am
I read a ratio about left handed people today and it nearly made me cry. One in ten people are left-handed. I don’t know, it made me feel funny. I am proud of who I am.
The sun is just now rising. I haven’t written in my journal in a long time. Maybe I’ll write a love letter to the sun. If I could sink into the grass, I might like to try it. When I was little I would cover ants with sand and watch them dig themselves out of the catacombs. I felt like an evil god, playing with ants like they were people. King Lear was left out in a storm and it doesn’t sound so bad. A little water never hurt anyone. Water makes you grow. I would wake up screaming and crying from awful headaches and my mom begged me to stop crying so I wouldn’t become more dehydrated. It was holy water, my tears. The chiropractor said he knew Mr. Rogers from Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. I still believe him. I’ll believe anything anybody says until they throw away my trust. But at the same time I don’t believe anything involving religion unless I can find it is undoubtedly true. Why do people feel the need to lie? Or even be hypocritical? I knew a girl who I thought highly of. Then I found out she kissed a boy. For some reason or another, I looked at her differently. I think it was because she never told me what she did. Kissing is nice. I’m not one who likes to keep secrets, at least not my own. I would rather everyone know the real me. Who cares if they like it or not? I’m not here to please them.
The trees always look like magic with frost cloaking them. Even more so with the sun sparkling across their skins. I think I should like to be a tree. Or perhaps an ocean. Yes, I would like to be an ocean. We are all an ocean. Deep and wide and full of life and storms and buried treasure. I’m ebbing and flowing for someone to travel through me, inside me, to know everything about me. My God, He knows everything about me, and He loves me just the same. He is goodness. That’s amazing. That’s the greatest kind of magic. He uses the sand to make me better. Sometimes He doesn’t pour it. Sometimes He does. But He always is digging with me. And I become stronger. I am proud of who I am but I am far from perfect. Yes, I think I’ll write a letter to the Son today, just to thank Him for shining in the darkest of times.
Looking back on 2011
Wow … can you believe another year has come and gone? I swear each year gets shorter and shorter. But it’s been a year not short of adventures for me!
January
began the 52 weeks project; entered a photography contest; cut all my hair off; auditioned and got a part in the school’s musical; was voted Junior class princess; had a surprise birthday party filled with pizza and movies and good friends; started making t-shirts for people (that was incredibly short lived);
February
made my first playlist; had the best valentine’s day ever; Matt and I had our first date; ran for school Vice-President;
March
Matt let me borrow his DSLR (a major upgrade from my p&s); my writing was published in Collect/ive Magazine; had an awesome GNO; broke my pinky toe (first broken bone ever!); took pictures for church;
April
went whale watching; performed our school musical;
May
painted the senior rock; started my summer blog; Matt and I started our blog; went camping many, many times;
June
got strep throat three times; McDonald’s adventure with Aly; went camping more; hiked a lot; celebrated the one year anniversary of my tumblr and flickr; Matt and I had our cowboys & indians photo collaboration;
July
went whale watching and saw a whale breech; got my braces off!; met Tim Hawkins; took my first commissioned senior portraits; opened my facebook photography page
August
had many bridal party adventures; went on a kayaking vacation; back-to-school retreat; received my graduation present early—a new camera!; finally rejoined lookbook; state fair (with henna tattoos!);
September
explored an abandoned building with awesome people for my senior portraits; voted most artistic in my class; won a lottery to drive into Denali National Park; did my first kids shoot; auditioned and got a part in the musical;
October
painted a mural for church; got my driver’s license!; got to be in Becca’s wedding; Matt and I dressed up for halloween;
November
pizza with three beautiful girls; played hide and seek in the school; saw a fata morgana; made flats for the musical; became addicted to knitting;
December
accepted into college!; semi formal <3; sang in the musical; took pictures of my teachers’ wedding proposal; survived the semester with A’s and B’s; gave and received awesome presents; hung out with Matt’s family a lot; finished the 52 weeks project (tomorrow!);
All in all it’s been an unbelievable year, filled with new challenges and opportunities. These past few days I’ve been working on things for 2012, one of which being another 365 project (yes, I am completely insane). I am very thankful for the awesome year God gave me, and I cannot wait for the next one! Thank you to these people for being awesome friends: Matt, Jacob, Rory, Jenna, Abby, Amanda, Becca, Aly. You guys are the best ever.
Also, I might as well throw in my new years resolutions. I revisited my last year’s resolutions and think I did okay, so let’s make this upcoming year even more successful! My goals:
- take pictures I’m proud of.
- read the Bible in one year.
- write a novel.
- always take time to do the things I love to do.
And that is all! I hope you enjoy the last day of the year. Be safe. Thank you for all your love and support—it really means the world to me. And may 2012 be awesome!
Wow. What a day! Matt came over to my house to help me get ready for our school’s semi formal. I feel like that’s what marriage will be like, just him sitting and talking with me while I fix my hair, petting the cat, browsing the internet. The small moments really are the greatest ever. Then we posed for some pictures and hopped in his car to go to his house so his mom could take pictures as well.
Afterwards we met up with our drama teacher and his girlfriend for dinner. They’re planning on getting married and they are so in love with each other. It makes me smile so much. Watching a love story in real life is beautiful.
Then Matt and I had an hour to kill before semi formal, so we headed to the mall to play at the arcade. Holy moley that was so so fun! We were the crazy over dressed teenagers that totally pwned at the games. And I think we’re going to try to go to the arcade every weekend to save up points. Yay for new traditions. :)
And finally it was time for semi formal! It was kind of hard to find the place (don’t tell anyone, but we totally accidentally drove on the sidewalk! It was awesome). Like every year, the semi formal was slightly awkward. I forgot how slutty some people dress to these things. O.o But I think our table had the most fun out of anyone’s. It was Matt, Jacob, Ryan, Carson, Rory, and I, and we just laughed and laughed. It was too funny watching people, sitting in chairs, with no expression on their faces while students embarrassed themselves during the lip sync competition, but we made it fun. And some of the lip syncs were pretty good! Our drama teacher won the cupcake competition and embarrassed his girlfriend by saying that he would use the money he won to buy a rock. :) I decided to actually attempt to mingle, hiding behind my camera so I wouldn’t be the awkward person joining circles uninvited, so I got some cute pictures of a couple of couples.
And then it was time to party! Off to the dance we headed. Matt and I were so excited to finally be able to dance again (the last time we were able to was at my good friend Becca and Michael’s wedding). Once we got past the awkward grinders and poor people standing off to the side (sad face), the time was pure magic. I love the feeling of being the only two people in the room, swaying to the music and being completely lost in each other’s eyes. I am truly lucky to be in love with my best friend. He makes me so incredibly happy and he’s just unbelievably amazing. He’s talented and smart and funny and charming and romantic … and I am so in love with him. And I love being able to be in love with him in public. At school we get in trouble if we so much as sit close to each other. It’s kind of annoying because I feel like even though some signs of affection are inappropriate for school, teachers could be more supportive. (It’s especially annoying when people who aren’t dating can hug and flirt or whatever but people who actually are can’t). But the great thing is, a lot of teachers are supportive. I love being able to have mature conversations about Matt and mine’s relationship with teachers, and I love it even more when they approve of us.
But back to the dance … It’s funny, because at dances, you see a side of people that you don’t get to see very much. Some sides are good, some not so good. But I won’t get into that. Because I want to talk about how amazing it was to dance with Matt. And to show people that we’re in love. Because we are. I love him so much and he loves me. And I don’t want to spend my life with anyone else. One day I’m gonna marry him.
my college essay.
From the Mouth
I just found an old interview I did with my grandpa about his childhood. It’s so amazing how people used to live, and how each person has a lifetime of memories stored up inside him that no one may ever know of …
This is the sonnet Matt wrote for me. :)
HER EYES WERE LIKE SNOW IN DECEMBER WINDS;
HER SKIN WAS OF FEATHERS, SOFT AS CAN BE;
HER MIND WAS MADE UP, HER WILL WOULD NOT BEND.
THE TWO WERE TOGETHER, TOGETHER AND FREE.
HER LIFE WAS A SAD ONE, HIS WOULD BEGIN.
FROM THE DAY OF HER BIRTH SHE WAS INCOMPLETE.
HE WAS A FAILURE, HE COULD NEVER WIN;
WAITING AND LIVING AND MOVING HIS FEET
THE GIRL OF HIS DREAMS HE NEVER WOULD FIND.
ONE DAY SHE FOUND HIM, BUT HE DID NOT SEE,
THE GIRL SHE WAS WAITING TILL HE WOULD MIND.
HE FIN’LLY, NOTICED THIS FISH IN THE SEA;
THIS GIRL WAS A DREAM, HE COULD NEVER FALTER
HE KNEW THEY WOULD MEED ONE DAY AT THE ALTER.
I had a revelation
As I was getting ready for my photoshoot today, it suddenly occurred to me that I actually get to take pictures for other people. Photography is so romantic and beautiful and the thought that I actually, actually get to do it and share it with others and for others is one of the greatest feelings in the world. It’s an overwhelming one.
If I can do this for the rest of my life and create art through words and paint and photography, and if I can love God and love others and continue to fall more in love with Him and the world, that would be the greatest life ever.
